Dear Reader,

Whether you’re reading this because you were on my website or because you found the link shared elsewhere: This is for YOU, because most of us rarely get the chance to talk openly about Grief after the Death of Loved Beings ~ People or Pets. And I’m pretty sure that anyone reading this cares enough about other Beings to have their own past, present, and/or future experiences with grief.

I am not seeking support for my own Grief. I advocate for doing the things that are for our own care and “self-care.” And I follow that advice for myself.

I am writing this today because in my area of the middle of the USA, many are reeling from the news that Louise ImMasche, a Very Beautiful-In-All-The-Ways Person, An Artist of Many Mediums, Openly Queer, Only 41 Years old, Loved by so many, Louise Who IS Love and Generously Shared Love, was killed on October 24, 2025 by a car crossing the highway and crashing into Louise’s car on their way home after starring in Rocky Horror Show at Theatre Lawrence (Kansas).

YOU are welcome here for your Grief after the death of someone else. Or for another type of loss. Or to learn about Grief before you’re experiencing it. Or because you want to understand and be able to support someone else when they are grieving. All are welcome here.

I am writing this based on my decades of professional training and experience providing support to People who are Grieving Loved Ones Who Have Died. And because I am a person with decades of experience with my own Grief After Loved Ones Have Died. I know that learning about Healthy Grief is beneficial … and also does not prevent experiencing the pain from loss. Most important of all, I am writing this today because I Love Louise and care deeply about the wellbeing of those Louise Loves.

I know that each Person is unique, each Loved One who has Died is unique, each Relationship is unique, and the Grief is unique. And also there are some frequently experienced aspects of Grief. I know that a Person’s Grief is as Big as they say it is. Each Person is the expert on their own Grief. And I believe our Grief is as Big as our Love for that Being in their life. And both are forever. Grief IS Love.

And also, I know that the People and Pets who are in the Closest Circle of the Person who Died are the ones who Deserve Comfort from others in not so close Circles. “Comfort In.” to those in the Closest Circles. And those in the Other Layers of Circles deserve support from those in their Circle and farther out. “Dump Out,” to get support from those not as close.

Louise’s Family ~ their husband, pets, parents, siblings and their partners ~ are that Closest Circle that need all the Love and Support, all the Kindness, since the night of Louise’s passing and as they carry that Grief and Love for Louise through the rest of their lives. Who they are, their futures, their lives are changed … forever. And somehow in the mix of cultures of the USA, the norm is for those most intensely impacted to do the things to bring others together for comfort and to honor Loved Ones. How unfair! Some of the Kindness for those close to that Closest Circle can be offering specific help.

Louise also has a large Family Of Choice. Louise also, has huge numbers of people who have been inspired or encouraged by what they know of Louise. My hope is for those with shared connection in how they know Louise, to intentionally have some time together to support each other in their grief and to honor Louise. Their theater/theatre family, their Queer Artists family, their Words Save Lives family, their work family, ….  I hope their work family carefully supports those who have benefitted from Louise’s work.

And although at this moment, I cannot, without sobbing, imagine Words Save Lives without Louise physically present, we will include and honor Louise in our 2026 event. We included and honored Poet Ronda Miller, our Dear One Who Had Died, in our 2025 event. That’s how the Words Save Lives family is.

So what IS Healthy Grief? It is our natural reaction to losing someone or something important to us. Although Grief happens after other types of loss, here I’m focusing on Healthy Grief after a Death. And … the only way to avoid Grief is to never Love. Because … Every Being We Love either Outlives Us or We Outlive Them.

To me, Love Really IS The Answer. So I’ll take and cause the Grief when the deaths happen. And I will continue sharing stories of “my people” and my pets. Because Craig Miller, another very special person in my life, who was dying of AIDS in his 20’s, told me he was not afraid of dying; he was afraid of being forgotten. And another very special person in my life, Bear Pedroja, who did not get the number of years that we expect, came to me in a dream to explain, “I’ll always be with you, I’m just moving on.”

Healthy Grief includes painful emotions, questions, thoughts, physical sensations, changes in sleep, changes in appetite, brain fog, and more. (Sounds terrible, feels terrible, and still to me is much better than NO Love.) Those are some of the ways that humans naturally respond to traumatic experiences. Grief is not a series of stages, with “closure” at the end. It’s a big mess, until it’s not most of the time. All those impacts reduce in intensity and frequency when we let ourselves “grapple” with our grief, and use supports in that when we need them. A support can look like people in our lives who are able to give us the space to express our grief and share our stories. It can look like a support group where everyone is living with grief. It’s not a sickness that requires a doctor. Unless for a combination of reasons it becomes that.

In our Grief, whatever we’re thinking, feeling, doing, … as long as we are staying safe, it’s ok for now. I believe it’s essential to avoid shaming ourselves for how we cope with our Grief, or anything else. We do the best we can, and we can get to a point where we are able to try some different ways. At those points, we can be grateful that what we’ve been doing got us this far, and we are now ready for some different tools.

Even when our Grief is not consuming us, it is part of us. Just like our hand is always part of us unless something drastic happens that removes it. Sometimes our Grief is all we can see. Sometimes it’s just in our peripheral vision. And sometimes some thing we didn’t expect makes our hand temporarily block our vision again. The mix of Grief and “Real Life Happening” will be a lot at times.

With Healthy Grief we are heading toward learning how to live well, even with our Grief. We move into building a life that is different from what we had expected before our Loved One died. Over time we add to our life … different activities and new close people. Where we have been broken, we may have become better, more compassionate, more aware of what is important. The Grief remains as part of our life, it’s just not our primary focus most of the time.

Perhaps instinctively, Louise lived the ways of healing from the hard experiences of their life, that cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien recognized in her times in indigenous communities across the globe. Indigenous cultures use Singing, Dancing, Storytelling, and Silence for healing from traumas. Not the same songs, dances, stories, or ways of using silence. They use the ones meaningful to their culture. Just as you might use your versions of those tools.

If somehow you hope for more info soon, including national resources, please consider the info at https://marciaepstein.biz/counseling-services/counseling-services-grief/

My hope for you, the reader, is that you have gained the understanding, or reminder, that as Megan Devine of @RefugeInGrief says, when you’re Grieving “It’s OK that you’re not OK.” Grief is hard, and it is good to work with it and learn to live well. And also that it’s hardest for those closest to the Loved One who died, because for those close ones, their whole lives have been changed forever.

PS Cover image by Carter Gaskins, from Words Save Lives 2024. Thank you Carter. https://lawrencekstimes.com/2024/09/11/photos-words-save-lives-24/

Thanks for “listening,”
Marcia Epstein, LMSW
she/her/hers
Survivor of losses
Specialist in life changes, grief, reducing suicide risk, and suicide bereavement
Lawrence, Kansas, USA
M.Epstein.LMSW@gmail.com
https://MarciaEpstein.biz